Aries (March 21-April 19)

You have to accept the fact that Nancy Binay is now a senator. The Commission on Elections (COMELEC) is no longer interested in your complaints about the Filipino people being stupid to vote for a 20-year on-the-job trainee. One word for you: MOVE ON!

Taurus (Aril 20-May 20)

You are undergoing a very tough time today. Relax. All you need to do is to breathe in and out (three times). No matter what happens today, make sure that you give your best shot. This message is brought to you by The Walking Dead. There's gotta be another way to do it! Fourth season coming your way!

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Check your friends. Know who is made in Italy and who is made in China. Someone will start talking about untruthful things about you. That would make you angry and hungry. You hate it. The best thing to tell everyone when you are confronted with issues is: “magsasalita po ako sa The Buzz. Abangan!”.

          
Cancer (June 22-July 22)

There will be temptations tonight. First: food. Your friend will serve fatty dishes- bad to your shape if you’ve got one! Second: liquor. You cannot afford to get drunk on a weekday. Third: your crush. Oops, no salary yet!


Leo (July 23-August 22)

Brad Pitt will send you an email today. He will invite you to attend his show in Las Vegas and have a good dinner with his family in a charitable event. Do not read other details of the email. It will hurt your heart to know that he sent it to ten thousand recipients. And the worst is that email has been categorized under spam.


Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Your wish of travelling to other countries is now a reality. It is the best news you will hear in ten point two years. The message goes this way: “a free round trip ticket to Afghanistan!” using Cebu Pacific. Enjoy your ride!


Libra (September 23-October 23)

You will face some financial problems today. Leave it that way. Do not solve it because no one is around to check if your solution is right or wrong. Keep strong. Many will rescue you. Loan sharks are coming! Bring out your calculator! Or you may just visit the Lenddo site.


Scorpio (October 24-November 21)

Eat your favorite foods today. Order everything. Get your favorite appetizer, dish and desert. Just make sure you have enough money to pay your bills. Moreover, when you want to be very beautiful, check out Proactiv products. When you are already pretty, this does not apply for now.


Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Today, do not pretend to be a rice hater. Do not tell lies that you do not eat the staple food just because your partner is in front of you. Everyone knows the reason why you go to Mang Inasal regularly. So please do not be a FAMAS nominee!


Capricorn (December 22-January 10)

Do not go to work if you meet a black dog on the way. It is total bad luck for you and your family. If you still do, you will lose your house and lot. But if you do not have a house and lot, it is okay to overlook this. No hard feelings, promise.


Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Being an adulterer is never good to your marriage and your health. It can result to a big quarrel between you and your wife. You can’t cook your food without her, can you? So starting today never ever get a mistress who cannot replace your wife in the kitchen!


Pisces (February 19-March 20)

You work up early today (at 10 AM). The first thing you did was to open your two eyes. Then you grabbed your iPhone manufactured by Nokia. You did not read any of text messages from Caritas health insurance you’ve received through the night. You just turned the alarm off!