Aries (March 21-April 19)
For years, you have been complaining that you are the lowest-paid employee in the Philippines. According to JobStreet.com, the entry salary in your field is P20, 776. The Department of Education (DepEd) cannot deny that fact. That figure is Top 4 on the Paying Jobs for Fresh Grads list! You are complaining because you do not own the top 1 spot. Janitors, secretaries, factory workers,social workers, and media men never said a word.



Taurus (Aril 20-May 20)
Congratulations, you just received a surgery from California. When you stepped out of the plane that brought you back to the Gates of Hell, many reporters lined up to take photos of you. You are a hero to many. To others, you are a pulutan- thanks God you were not raised in the Cordilleras. Kudos Kabang!



Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Forbes must be cruel to you. The internationally-recognized magazine underestimated the value of your wealth. That’s very sad. It’s as if you became very poor like those kids in Africa. However, you are the luckiest Arabian billionaire today because you will be mentioned on many news sites. You can join Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian now for a new reality show. 



Cancer (June 22-July 22)
When you admitted that you are a lesbian, many people came out to support you. These are the people who already knew that you are not looking for a man. Now, your mother reveals that she was once a lesbian also. Genetics babe! Now you are a free woman, you can love whoever you like. You have been bringing pride to our country; bring pride to yourself now. Charice, welcome to your real home! By the way, did you vote for Ang Ladlad Party list? 



Leo (July 23-August 22)
Everyone knows that you have been planning to visit Baguio City. You cannot resist Baguio’s cool climate and wonderful sceneries. Pack up your things now and make sure that you have reserved a unit at Baguio Transient for your boarding needs. When going around the Summer Capital of the Philippines, please be reminded that you cannot smoke in public areas.



Virgo (August 23-September 22)
According to Glee stars, you are the best fan in the world. “Enthusiastic” is the term used to describe you. That is crazy, and you love it for sure. How’s the feeling? However, did you know that when these celebrities go to other places, they also say the same lines? Logically, they cannot talk about things against Filipinos because they wanted more viewers from this country. These celebs may be sincere or not, but they are genuinely marketing their show!



Libra (September 23-October 23)
Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her 60th anniversary of reigning over countries and territories of the British Empire. You were not there because you are not part of the empire. You were colonized by Spain and were left with pure bitterness. When Queen Sofia of Spain came to your land for a visit, you did not pay any attention to her highness. Still, you are hoping that your land should have been raped by Londoners not by Ferdinando Magallanes.



Scorpio (October 24-November 21)
Yes you are one of the most beautiful women in the world. You look like Venus Raj. You have the brains of Senator Miriam Defensor- Santiago. You have the wit of Pokwang. You carry the lips of Angelina Jolie. You are a perfect example of perfection. But you do not exist. If you do, you are the most boring person on the earth.



Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
For Father’s Day celebration, bring all the things that you dad loves. Play records of Cliff Richard, John Elton, Dolly Parton and Barbra Streisand. If your dad loves Original Pilipino Music (OPM), download hits from Freddie Aguilar and Nora Aunor. Forget Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Katy Perry and Linkin’ Park this time- unless you want the celebration to be a complete disaster.



Capricorn (December 22-January 10)
You made the best resignation letter ever. The world loves how you did it! Now that you have the sympathy of everyone (except for your ex-bosses at the Philippine Daily Inquirer), you can sell all your Pugad Baboy books now. For sure, everything will be enlisted as a top-seller. You are now as great as J.K. Rowling ang Sidney Sheldon. Mabuhay ka Pol Medina!



Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Congratulations for your second HorrorScope entry. For sure, many people will try to kill your blog again for mentioning all what is bloody true. Well, that’s life in blogging- people who hate your blog keep coming back to read what you’ve written. The worst is when people accuse you of being paid to publish something (how you wish!).



Pisces (February 19-March 20)
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