Warning: You know the warning. This is non-sense.



My name is Benigno Aquino III.

I don’t want to mention my middle name because that might appear on Who Wants to Become a Millionaire. For sure, teachers in far-flung areas still teach that my middle name is Cojuanco and I can say that they are wrong.

Huwag kasing palaging My Husband Lover ang pinapanood. The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines or CBCP does not like that. Watch also news shows even if these contain too much bad vibes sucking our nightly energy.

It’s been years since I took the throne. Oh I remember how Manny Villar and my cousin Gilbert admitted defeat. Mga basing sisiw, bigyan ng jacket.

My approval ratings are still flying high like Cebu Pacific, unlike America’s Barack Obama and UK’s David Cameron. No wonder I am part of the list of the most influential persons on Earth.

By the way, I hope that everyone will enjoy the meal we have prepared for you. We have crab claws and penne pasta with arrabiata sauce. Don’t worry if you think that we did not prepare some Filipino dish for you; we have cheese pichi-pichi that we will feast on together later.

As you all know I am for the improvement of the quality of education here in our country. K to 12 is perfect. The Department of Education is striving hard to carry all our visions for the country’s youth sector. Unfortunately, we cannot forget the fact that one student took her life due to financial problems. Promise, I will not take my life for lovelife problems!

I talked to one of my sisters about this and she will be the one to come up with a plan on providing educational assistance to those financially-challenged yet deserving. I also hope that Henry Sy Sr. joins me in this cause.

Let me mention the plan of the government to give informal settlers some cash. That is better than giving them nothing. I hope the cash will turn them into responsible voters who pick the right candidates. They can use the cash to start a business at Avon. I would be happy to see them employed in the next few hours.

Can I ask for a favor? Please tweet Bianca Gonzales about this part of the speech.
Moving on, the Reproductive Health Law seems to be in danger. I don’t think that these conservative people against the RH Law can destroy it. These lawmakers who pretend to be medical doctors who seem to know every aspect of a woman’s private part are the true evil beings.

What’s next for the Philippines? Maybe, same-sex and divorce law. I hope Charice Pempengco and Aize Suegerra are in this hall today so I could give them a wink. They deserve to be happy just like every one of us here. They have the right to pick whoever has captured their hearts, may it be from the male or female population.

I would like to talk about the issue on the proposed change in the name of our country. “Filipinas” sounds cool actually. What do you think of these: “Republic of Filipinas”, “Filipinas Military Academy”, and “More Fun in Filipinas”?

Bet ba?

For this State of the Nation Address, I promised not to mention the name of the former President. But I think I won’t let this pass without blaming her for the flooding, poverty and traffic jam along EDSA. Oh by the way, I have plans of changing “EDSA” to “Dolphy Avenue”. Zsa-zsa Padilla should say something on this.

I think that’s it for now. If you have questions, just email me and my staff will be the ones to check if your emails are worth a second of my time.

By the way, my sister Kris has a new show despite telling the world that she’s quitting show business. Watch it out for me please.

In the name of the Filipino people, I am PNoy your president for the State of the Nation Address 2013.