Note: It’s a satire. Please be guided accordingly.



Yes, I’m an Igorot. And everything on your mind about me is correct.

I’m pretty sure you see me as an ugly mammal. I have a flat nose. I have a pair of sleepy eyes. I have the most disgusting face in the world.

By the way, I have a tail. However, my tail only becomes visible to monkeys like me. That’s why you are lucky enough to see it with your two naked, blinded eyes.  

You’re correct for saying that I am a zombie because I have reddish teeth. You might as well call the director of The Walking Dead to include us in the series. Promise, we are cheaper than Sharon Cuneta when it comes to talent fees. We can even pose beside her daughter KC Conception without asking for a fee. All we want is to be labeled correctly.

Because I’m smart, I’m aware that all beauty pageants worldwide made a ban on us because there is no beauty in us. We only represent the beast in this humanity. Do you remember the time when Americans exhibited us in St. Louis? If you don’t, I pity your history teacher for not upgrading your intellect.

And you? You are the most beautiful person in the world. You have the most seductive eyes and the prettiest face ever. Your skin is as flawless as the precious gems smuggled into the country and your butt is being glorified by men who love going to the whore house.

And thanks to Dr. Vicky Belo, you look like a human now while I look like a terrifying gorilla.

You’ve been frightened because you have heard many stories about me being a cannibal. Yes I am. I do not have to speak to Kris Aquino to be able to admit that I really do cook pinikpikan with human meat.

I can smell your sugary intestines, juicy eye balls and your delicious foot muscle tissues. I know your address. I will hunt you down. I will cut your head and slit your stomach while you are sleeping.

But we do not eat stupid people like you. We love brainy people because there are much to suck in them. So you are safe. We don’t want you even if it turns out that you are the last choice to eat. We do not drink a bottle of soda that tastes like water.

You’re perfectly correct for saying that I do not know how to use Facebook. I do not even have a laptop. Tell me, is Facebook the same book that my grandparents used when they learned about English Literature at school? Is  it the same book that I use when I try to look for synonyms of the word “ignorant” which I believe perfectly describes you?

In fact, there is no such thing as Facebook in the mountains where we live. The only things we have are stones and spears that our forefathers used to block the Spanish conquerors who attempted to steal our gold and girls.

You may be blaming me for the loss of 14 lives aboard the ill-fated GV Florida bus. Yes, it was my plan to pull that bus down the slope because I thought you were inside that bus. See how mighty I am?

When that incident occurred, my brothers and sisters ran towards the location of the accident and helped without asking ABS-CBN or GMA News to cover how helpful they are. They did everything naturally because we were raised believing that we should help anyone- whether Igorots or not- who is need of our hands.

I am very happy that I was educated well to respect other people. I am very proud to be an Igorot living in the Cordillera Mountains. If I am ugly, that is a curse for those who see me. Not my problem.