Commission on Higher Satire Office, Philippine Arena, July 31, 2014- The Philippine government announced today that all taxes and surcharges for the months of June and July will be reimbursed in line with the much-publicized centennial celebration of the Iglesia ni Cristo Church.

A press statement from Malacanang confirms the rumor that was first reported by Paolo Bediones on The Buzz while attempting to dance to the "Careless Whisper" tune.

"The president and his sister Kris tearfully want to share the joy of having a 100-year old religion that traces its origin in the Philippines and not anywhere in Europe or in the Americas. Iglesia Ni Cristo is our own pride. It is a brand of Filipino faith and wealth."

The president also noted that he hoped China would not claim Iglesia Ni Cristo as theirs

"Sana lang, huwag i-claim na naman ng China na sa kanila itong relihiyon na ito. Kaya paki-usap ko sa mga taga-Iglesia, huwag na silang mag-recruit ng mga bagong miyempre sa Scarborough dahil hindi iyon parte ng matuwid na daan."

In an interview with PNoy's older sister Balsy, she said, "bugbog na bugbog ang mga Pilipino ng good news following the triumph of this church and I do hope my sister Kris gets his next suitor from one of the brothers of Manalo."

However, the announcement makes it clear that not all taxpayers will get their money in full.

In an attached document from Department of Social Welfare and Development Secretary Dinky Soliman dated February 31, 2009, it is highlighted that Roman Catholics in the country are required to enlist themselves at the Conversion Office in the Philippine Arena to get their full tax reimbursement or get only 50% of their remitted taxes.

For Saksi Ni Jehovah, Episcopal Church and Baptist Church members, they have the option to donate their tax reimbursement to Janet Napoles- Lim Group of Foundations that include Bong Revilla Cares and Juan Ponce Enrile Candy Crash Vision.

Members of Ang Dating Daan, Muslims, athiests, hypocrites, homophobics and rapists are encouraged to register to another religion since their sect has not been mentioned in the announcement. When asked about this concern, Deputy Spokesperson Abigail Valte replied, "I don't know. I'll just BB you when Mr. President has an answer to that."

Next week, a raffle draw will be conducted as a reward to new Iglesia Ni Cristo converts who attended last week's event at the Philippine Arena. Prizes at stake include five-million worth gift certificate from St. Peter's Plan, five nights-four days Ukraine tour, one-year unlimited airfare courtesy of Malaysian Airline, and an exclusive DVD from Pope Francis.