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That Sad 2018 That Got Away

The four-day off for the New Year's holiday is all about the annoying rainy weather stopping me to go somewhere else. It literally controlled everything.

At nine in the evening yesterday, I booked a motor ride to join my young brother’s family in Caloocan in meeting the new year. We drank brandy and had a nice chat about our family back in Sagada- we both agreed our youngest has improved a lot and we're happy about it.

Yesterday I was browsing through social media posts and there is this one series of photos that interprets the behavior of people. Interestingly, I found one listed behavior that is quite observable in me.

I laugh easily, even at very simple things. According to the post, the behavior says I am lonely inside. Yeah, lonely inside.

Recently, I watched Relatable, a Netflix special featuring Ellen DeGeneres doing stand up. I had a very good laugh. I am also a bit obsessed with Vice Ganda; I watch his movies on iWant and clips on YouTube.

Are these symptoms of loneliness? I do not deny the fact that I have distanced myself from the world. I stopped traveling-- sleeping is my favorite hobby. I stopped attending events and parties. I stopped everything social. I even decided to stop blogging.

For the first five months of 2018, I continued working with the same company I've been with for three years. Basically both my pay and position were exemplary, but there were things I wanted to do but I could not with my working condition.

After many sessions with my boss, we agreed on a decision that it is better for me to go. As soon as I left the former workplace, I was already  found a new playground.

While doing medical check-ups, I was faced by my nightmare once again. Medical findings discovered that there were protein contents in my urine and further tests showed my kidneys were that of an old person.

I had to take medication for three months to see if I was coping. It was expensive so I had to sympathize with my broken wallet (hate me for that but I reached the point wherein I had no money to buy those costly meds).

Everyday as I take a pill, I would think of the possibility that my kidneys would fail leaving me dead. Everyday, I taught myself to get rid of stress and worries- as a favor to myself- to enjoy life because I will never know what's gonna happen in my life the next day.

If you've worked with me before, I am a dumb, forgetful person. And it takes a long time for me to master one thing. But once I am okay with the environment and I am familiar with the procedures, I offer the best heart as a team member (charot lang).

I can do many things as long as I do not deal with a person who is fond of shouting. Believe me, that is my only limitation. And believe me for saying I have practiced keeping calm but I ended up losing it.

Talking about death is pretty tough, but I have openly discussed this with my younger brothers and my mother. We never know. This year, I have lost two lovely persons. 

I can say I am indeed lonely inside. I am guilty of that. But this 2019 will have another version of life. 

Christian is a Marketing Communications practitioner based in Ortigas Center. In the past eight years, he has passionately worked with real estate, software, and IT service brands. To get in touch, please shoot at email to chr[email protected]

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