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Prophecy Denied

Note: I wrote this piece when I was in college. I found the copy of this article four years after. God, makes me remember many things! 

Christmas is suspended in the meantime. The birth of people’s savior Jesus is not possible this midnight due to complications in the womb of his mother Mary. Joseph rushed his wife to the nearest hospital in Bethlehem and the doctors there are now planning to apply Cesarean operation.

Meanwhile, Santa Claus may arrive to town late, according to his bulletin in his Friendster account. Accordingly, he is suffering from rheumatism while Rudolf, his red nose reindeer has got only three feet after an accident last Halloween party.

These strange events led to a resolution signed by all lawmakers postponing the season’s celebration. While waiting for updates, the resolution suggests activities and preparations for people around the world.

People are advised to love their neighbors as they love themselves. “Let this season stop nuclear power production and wars”, states in the resolution. Soldiers and rebels are asked to replace guns in their shoulders with gifts of peace to the innocent youths in Mindanao. 

Somali pirates are also advised to stop looking for money in the seas and rather stay in their homes and help their families to look for money in a decent way. Men are requested to love each others, so that gays also would be very happy.

A prediction from a famous fortune teller claims that Jesus does not want to be given birth because there is a tendency that as he grows up, the World War 111 occurs. The prediction also asserts that Jesus hates to play with the children in Zimbabwe dying in hunger and cholera. Jesus, as the prediction declares, wants people to fix their own problems first.

Accepting the coming of Jesus is accepting also those who are immoral and marginalized in the society. Lawmakers in the resolution included that people are ordered to accept one another. Thus, people should recognize equality among fake ladies and trying-hard-to-be gentlemen and the unidentified goddesses, mistresses and illegal husbands and bastards, prostitutes and favorite guests and secretaries, sinners and feeling saints. Yet, crocodiles inside physical humans should still be avoided to stop their reproduction because they are the real and should-be marginalized people.

There would be a random check-up in houses to check the availability of first aid kits. People are asked to guide their children in lighting fireworks. Anyway, nursing students would be very glad if ever hard-headed children still love to spend the Christmas eve in hospitals with fewer fingers.

To prepare for any accident to happen, vehicle owners are requested to fill the fuel tanks. Anyway, there were price roll-backs in the past days. The resolution pointed also the lack of text rate roll-backs among cellular networks, especially that millions would be sending group messages and would be calling their loved ones to ask them to pay their debts if they wont send gifts in the eve of Christmas.

Christmas is also given emphasis as a moment for giving and sharing, so people are encouraged to help charitable groups. “Donate your stuffs (excerpt underwear) to bring smile to the unlucky ones”, clears the resolution.

One of the expectations in this season is overflowing beers and food open for all relatives and neighbors. People are given caution to be selective on what they eat to avoid stomach aches and cholesterol-related problems. Bringing Tupperware is also recommended.

While waiting for the birth of our savior, there would be a live coverage of the two television stations on the event. An investigative report also will soon be aired regarding the real reason why Santa Claus will be late. There are actually rumors that Santa is looking for fake stomach fills after he proved that his slimming tea is actually very effective. Another gossip is that he is hiding after he was not able to pay his electric bills for almost three months.

As soon as the birth of our savior happens, the lawmakers will again sign another resolution to encourage everyone to celebrate the season with its real essence, so that Christmas would be merrier. The disarrangement of the listed events in theprophecy is a strange historical milestone which proves that not all the expected come along and that writers can twist people’s mind while exploring new things in this conservative world.

Christian is a Marketing Communications practitioner in Quezon City. He is an Igorot from Sagada, Mountain Province. To get in touch with him, please shoot an email to christianaligonow@gmail.com.

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