Real Estate Marketer

99.99% Sagada Igorot

Working Ant in Ortigas

Brewed Coffee Addict

Very Personal Blogger

Terms to Become Gay

Before you become totally gay, you must first read the following Terms and Conditions. Understand each item and observe it at all time, even when you are snoring in your sleep.

1.    If you are drunk while reading this Terms and Conditions, stop. Come back when you are in your normal state.

2.    If you agree and believe that you are gay, ugly, overweight and effeminate, no one cares at all. Just move on to Number 3.

3.    If you go in front of the mirror every day to perform your Foundation Day rites, think that you are discreet, handsome and very masculine, congratulations! You just fooled yourself, not others.

4.    Do not keep on rushing in looking for someone who will accept your 100% being. Someone in the space, called the “destined person”, will arrive to take you home. However, please skip this item if you are already 65.

5.    Catholic marriage, woman’s pregnancy, and human reproduction can (not may) be unsuitable for you to talk about. However, you (just like any other person on earth) are always credible when it comes to discussions on physical hygiene and human rights.

6.    No matter how good-looking you are if you are gay, you are gay. However, this does not mean that you cannot have children. Actually, you can even have grand children if you are gay.

7.    When you go online and join dating sites, never attempt to download pictures of your innocent victims and use their faces as yours. Or the worse is to use Adobe Photoshop to make the impossible possible. Not cool!

8.    If your Church does not accept you because you are a lie from the devil, do not give the alms you prepared in your pocket. Simple revenge!

9.    You can go the distance to look for love or for friendship. Just make sure that you will be paid by your insurance company when something bad happens.

10. Never insist that you are a “bisexual” if you are wearing your mother’s undies. Your neighbor is waiting for your interesting story.

11. Stop here if your standards have been violated by this set of Terms and Conditions.

12. For protection from diseases, consult your doctor. If you cannot afford a doctor’s advice, ask Dr. Google about all the things you needed to know for safe sex and responsible personhood. Even if your body is a public property, know the ABC’s of playing fire properly.

13.  If you both listen to Avril Lavigne and apply eye liner below your eyes, consider stopping the music and washing your face before going to sleep at night.

14. If you are now totally offended by this post, quit reading. Now.

15. If you enjoyed discovering, recovering and uncovering the gayness in yourself, share this post via Facebook or Twitter. Or just leave a comment (take note, this is another satirical post).

Christian is a Marketing Communications practitioner in Quezon City. He is an Igorot from Sagada, Mountain Province. To get in touch with him, please shoot an email to christianaligonow@gmail.com.


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